Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
