Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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