My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
