took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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