Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
