I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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