you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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