The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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