So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
