One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
