If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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