before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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