it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
