and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
