can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
