I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dick very happy bro
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
