is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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