I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
