I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
