What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you š
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
