Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
