There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize