the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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