Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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