Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Randomize
