there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
