he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
