Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
