OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
