My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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