Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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