So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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