does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
