Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
