Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it glows. i had to have it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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