There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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