So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
