I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
