and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
