What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Couch. On fire.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
