Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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