i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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