my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
