That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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