Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
