at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
