Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
