so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
