My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
