My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
