dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
