I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have aggressive nipples.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
