I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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